An Elegy for my Hair:

How to Deal with Hair Loss Using the Principles of REBT

Shortly after I turned 25, I became a strict vegetarian because of ethics. However, I didn’t know that ten months later, due to stressful life circumstances, iron deficiency anemia, and a protein deficiency, my hair would first lighten in color from dark brown to nearly blond, then thin – and fall out. I was not bald by any stretch of the imagination, but my hair looked nothing like it used to. As a child and teenager, I actually won several public contests for having the longest hair. I also got many compliments and really grew to take pride in my hair. When the first strands of my hair began to fall out, I thought nothing of it. Then, more and more of it began to collect in the sink and in my brush each day. After several months of this, I looked in the mirror and saw patches of my scalp under my thinning hair. That was not fun. Since I am a REBT therapist, I used the principles of REBT to help myself to control my emotional upset regarding my hair and then solve the problem of my hair loss. You can use the principles of REBT to deal with hair loss or any other adversity, as well. It worked for me, and it can work for you, too.

Hair Loss, History, and Culture

Hair loss is a universal condition, affecting all ages, races, genders and nationalities. People have been doing interesting things throughout history to cope with hair loss. Even 4,000 years ago, the ancient Egyptians tried many hair loss cures. One method used around 1500 B.C. called for reciting a magic spell to the sun god and then swallowing a mixture of onions, iron, red lead, honey, and alabaster. Around 1100 B.C., it was fashionable to rub the fats of a variety of animals onto one’s scalp, including those of lions, hippopotamuses, crocodiles, ibex, serpents, and geese. A formula prepared for the King of Egypt included the toes of a dog, refuse of dates, and a hoof of an ass. Although these so-called cures failed to re-grow hair, people were willing to put up with them because hair loss was regarded as shameful in ancient Egypt, and they foolishly believed that it really was shameful. This trend to hide hair loss continued. Even Julius Caesar used wreaths to hide his thinning hair, and French King Louis XIV used elaborate 15 to 20 pound wigs. Today, hair loss has been estimated to affect about 35 million men and 21 million women in the United States alone. 40% of men have noticeable hair loss by age 35 and 65% by age 60. Female Pattern Baldness (FPB) effects 1 out of every 4 women in the United States.

How You May Be Affected By Hair Loss

Long ago, a full head of hair was prized because of protection, heat retention, and camouflage. Today, we value hair for other reasons. Regardless of whether we want to admit it, good hair still is associated with power, virility and youth. Individuals with hair loss are sometimes passed over and teased at work, in the media, and socially. The media idolizes the young and the attractive and often makes fun of individuals with hair loss.

Although hair loss is not health threatening, thinking unhelpfully about your hair loss can result in various psychological and emotional issues. Everyone’s particular emotional and psychological difficulties with their hair loss are different. Reactions can range the gamut from not caring at all about hair loss to insecurity, isolation, a sense of loss, and even profound anxiety and depression. Even so, many hair loss sufferers don’t want to admit that hair loss bothers them.

My Problem

Those readers who are not yet initiated into the philosophies of REBT might see this as surprising, but my problem was NOT that I was losing my hair. My problem was what I was foolishly and pig-headedly TELLING MYSELF about my losing my hair.

How Did I Deal with it?

REBT

REBT echoes the Stoic philosopher Epictetus, who stated that it is not the things that happen to us that upset us. Rather, it is our beliefs about what happens to us with which we upset ourselves.

In the tradition of Dr. Albert Ellis, who used REBT to cope with the adversities of Diabetes (Ellis, 2003) and profound hearing loss (Ellis, 1997), I used REBT to cope with my hair loss by identifying and changing my unhelpful, crazy-making irrational beliefs about my hair loss. Irrational beliefs are beliefs are unhelpful, illogical, not based on evidence, and generally crazy-making. You can find out what your irrational beliefs are by asking yourself, “When you think about the situation that you’re upset about, what thoughts go through your mind?” Then, write down all of the thoughts that occur to you, particularly those that are connected with your strongest feelings of emotional upset. To determine which thoughts are irrational and crazy making, remember that rational beliefs are helpful to you in the long-run, are logical, and are based on reality. Irrational beliefs are not. After answering the above questions, I found that I was holding the following unhelpful beliefs:

You might wonder what the effects of these irrational beliefs were for me. If you want a metaphor, remember that the effects of irrational beliefs are roughly analogous to frying your brain. Consequences of irrational beliefs generally include a variety of unhelpful or dysfunctional emotions and behaviors, including rage, anxiety, depression, low/no frustration tolerance, guilt, shame, embarrassment, inactivity, inability to solve problems, as well as other self-defeating behaviors. In my case, my main unhelpful consequences were anxiety and depression, as well as neglecting to engage in problem solving about my hair.

D- Disputation – Disputation is how you “rip up” your irrational beliefs.

The first thing to do in order to dispute your irrational beliefs is to get yourself motivated to change them. This is because people don’t want to put in the hard work that is necessary for change unless they are highly motivated to do so. At the risk of being trite, remember the adage, “You can bring a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.” So, how do you motivate yourself? You can begin to motivate yourself to do this by being very pragmatic about your beliefs. I asked myself, “What is holding these beliefs getting me? Is it making my hair grow back?” Of course these beliefs weren’t making my hair grow back. These beliefs were creating anxiety and depression. Since hair loss is often linked to stress and emotional upset, it was possible that these stress-inducing irrational beliefs were actually hastening the demise of my hair! “So,” I asked myself, “Why the H*LL do I want to KEEP these nutty beliefs?!?” I then determined that there was no reason to keep these beliefs unless I gained pleasure from being cruel or masochistic to myself, which I fortunately do not.

Since I had motivated myself to change these beliefs, I moved on to logical and empirical strategies to change them. I will dispute each irrational belief below. Try to put these disputations in your own words and to come up with your own disputations. Say the disputations forcefully, emotionally, and repetitively if you really want them to work for you. When you dispute, aim for the sane-making REBT philosophies of Unconditional Life Acceptance (ULA), Non-Demandingness, High Frustration Tolerance (HFT), and Unconditional Self-Acceptance (USA) as antidotes to my crazy-making irrational beliefs.

Why MUST I? Does it follow just from the fact that I strongly DESIRE my hair to never fall out and to look the way I want it to look that it HAS to do these things? Isn’t it true that everyone’s hair falls out, to some extent? And who do I think I am, anyway… the Queen of Sheba? And does HER hair do what she wants it to? I don’t THINK so.

Losing my hair is very frustrating, but how does it follow that just because it’s frustrating, it’s awful, and I can’t stand it? How does it follow that losing my hair is 101% bad? Is it worse than a nuclear war? Is it worse than breaking a leg, even? Is it worse than losing your job? Is it worse than getting some kind of serious illness? Aren’t there far worse things that can happen to me and to those whom I care about than losing one’s hair? Isn’t it true that many people around the world starve to death each day? In comparison to my vanity, isn’t that MUCH more tragic? It’s not AWFUL unless I foolishly convince myself that it is… And where’s the evidence that I can’t STAND it? I’ve stood many things worse than losing my hair in the past, and I haven’t dropped dead from really not being able to stand something yet. I didn’t like these things, but I survived them.

How do I know? I’m not a dermatologist or medical hair specialist. And even if I were to become and stay just as bald as a cueball, why the H*LL can I not stand it? (In fact, my hair is beginning to grow back).

How does it follow that my hair actually MAKES me happy? Aren’t I happy about many more things than having beautiful hair? What about my loved ones and my vital absorbing interests and hobbies? I can choose to be happy just because I want to be. My happiness does NOT depend upon having beautiful hair. My happiness does not depend on what others think of me or my hair.

Just because I happened to have been classically conditioned like Pavlov’s dogs because my having beautiful hair was repeatedly paired with the desirable conditions of winning contests and getting compliments, it doesn’t follow that I actually NEED this reinforcement or that I can’t get reinforcement from things other than my hair. And even if I were to become a bum, I could still choose to be happy with myself because who I am doesn’t depend on other people’s social approval or my material possessions. Although I would LIKE to have lots of social approval and material possessions, I don’t NEED them because I can choose to accept myself unconditionally, without regard to these things. Therefore, I can live well without beautiful hair. I can accept myself even if people think I look hideous because of my hair. I have, in fact, gotten many compliments on my hair piece.

Who says? Plenty of people are concerned about their hair. (Just look at all of the money that is spent on hair care products). Being shallow about my hair doesn’t make me an all-around shallow person or a nogoodnik, by any stretch of the imagination. And even if I am shallow (which is unlikely), why would that make me a rotten person? Aren’t there many more things about me than can be judged with a global rating of myself as all good or all bad? Aren’t there any grey areas?

PROBLEM SOLVING

After I used REBT to un-upset myself enough to think clearly, I used problem solving to attempt to solve the actual problem of my hair loss. To do this, I researched possible causes of hair loss and consulted with a physician. People with hair loss could have dietary or medical problems and should consult their physicians and dieticians in order to get proper help. I, for example, had to change my diet and add nutritional supplementation, in order to correct my anemia and protein deficiency. As I realized that it would take a long time to get my hair back to “normal,” I got a hair piece.

I was a bit wary of going to a wig salon. I thought to myself, “What will people think?” But then I realized that the only person who really cared what people thought of my hair was me… And I had no objective reason to do so. So I shut myself up and went to look at wigs. When I went to the local wig salon, I found that the people who worked there were extremely kind and attentive. They invited me in warmly and even referred to their wigs and falls by their proper names. My fall, for example, is called “Brazillia Girl.” The girls were friendly and joked as they asked me to “hold her” (referring to the fall) while they plaited what remained of my hair and put a special treatment in it. I had such a good time there that I often find some excuse to go into the wig salon… Sometimes I go in just to shoot the breeze with them. So, as a result of my hair loss, I made some friends. And I thought that nothing good could ever come from losing my hair. Go and figure!

I was also concerned that, as a practicing therapist, my clients would notice my hairpiece and ask me questions about it. I thought that I would be embarrassed. But I realized that I could use the example of coping with hair loss as a teaching tool demonstrating coping with adversity for my clients. None of my clients have asked me about my hair as of yet. Coworkers have. I just tell them the truth. All of them have been very kind to me about my hair loss.

Consider the Good that Comes From Your Hair Loss.

After you have identified and disputed your irrational beliefs, try to make a list of what good may come from your adverse situation. You might be surprised. Here is my list.

  1. I realized that my hair was not all-important and increased my grasp of the sane-making principles of REBT. I straightened out my priorities.
  2. I made new friends at the wig salon.
  3. It takes me much less time to do my hair, now that I have instant hair every morning… a hairpiece.
  4. I can change my hairstyle easily… All I have to do is get a new hairpiece.
  5. I got to write this article and help fellow hair loss sufferers!

Rational Coping Statements for Hair Loss

  1. My hair loss is NOT the problem. My unhelpful beliefs about my hair loss ARE the problem; so I had better work hard and push myself to change those beliefs unless I want to remain miserable!
  2. Although hair loss is frustrating, it’s NOT 101% bad. It’s not HORRIBLE or TERRIBLE unless you THINK it is.
  3. Even though I don’t LIKE losing my hair, I CAN take it. I won’t drop dead from losing my hair.
  4. Although I’d LIKE to have beautiful, perfect, or even passable hair, I don’t NEED it in order to be happy as a person or happy with my appearance.
  5. I CAN take steps to help my hair loss and/or my personal appearance. I can GET HELP from medical and beauty professionals in these areas.
  6. What I look like to others doesn’t matter because I can always choose simply to accept myself as a person because I am alive and kicking. I don’t NEED other people’s approval.
  7. I have many good qualities. My hair was just one of them. If I think that I don’t have enough good qualities, I can develop some more!
  8. Potential lovers or romantic partners will be turned on by things other than my hair. If I don’t know of any new things as of yet, I can invent some things that could turn them on. And that could be fun!

References

Drake L.A., Dinehart, S.M., & Farmer, E.R., (1996). Guidelines of care for androgenetic alopecia. Journal of the American Academy of Dermatology, 35, 465-469.

Ellis, A. (1997). Using Rational emotive behavior therapy techniques to cope with disability. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 28, 1. 17-22.

Ellis, A. (2003). A personal account of using REBT to help control Diabetes. Journal of Rational-Emotive & Cognitive Behavior Therapy, 21, 3-4. 215-218.

About The Author:

Anna Pecoraro, M.A., is a doctoral candidate in clinical psychology at The Institute for Graduate Clinical Psychology of Widener University in Chester, PA. She has trained at the Albert Ellis Institute in New York, NY, where she was mentored by Dr. Albert Ellis. She does Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) with children, adolescents, adults, and families and conducts psychological research on a variety of topics. She is an adjunct instructor of undergraduate psychology at Widener University, where she teaches REBT. She is the author of the book The Survival Guide for the Teenage Brain: How NOT to Drive Yourself Crazy. Ms. Pecoraro has presented on REBT at the annual convention of the American Psychological Association.

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